The Founding Fathers gave us the Second Amendment so we could protect ourselves from evildoers, and it looks like their wisdom and foresight has saved yet another law-abiding American from harm. Earlier this week, when a demon flew into homeowner Jordan Bennett’s backyard in order to rape him, the patriot was able to stand his ground and slay the sex-hungry monster with a shotgun.
Thank God for gun rights, or this story could have turned out very differently.
It’s a nightmare scenario that could happen to anyone without warning. Jordan was minding his own business in his homestead when, suddenly, a horned imp from hell swooped out of the night sky and perched on the roof of his backyard gazebo. A less vigilant homeowner might have dismissed the trespasser as just an ordinary bird of the night, but Jordan knew better. The winged devil stared down like a perverted gargoyle, supernaturally rotating its head to watch Jordan with its lascivious gaze. Then the hell-spawn emitted a terrifying demonic shriek in an unknown satanic tongue—“Ha’u Ha’u”—to announce its imminent sexual conquest of an innocent American male.
One look into the lustful yellow eyes of this airborne incubus left no doubt about its infernally erotic intentions. Luckily, Jordan is a gun owner living in a castle doctrine state, so before the leering whoopee-menace could execute an attack with its small yet fearsome loins, our brave Christian defender was able to heroically blast the beast into a cloud of feathers and viscera with a single righteous round from his firearm.
God bless guns!
Without guns, Jordan would have been completely defenseless should the flying fiend have tried to use its razor-sharp claws to rend his clothing to pieces. He would have had to idly submit as the demon used sexual black magic to impregnate his rectum with a Rosemary’s Baby.
And don’t think there was time to dial 911. Calling for help would have accomplished nothing but to invite the local sheriffs to come watch the demon perform a post-coital forcible gay marriage to claim eternal ownership of Jordan’s heterosexual orifices. Because the fact is, when an unholy abomination tries to sate its deviant desires upon your colon, the only thing that can save your anal purity is a gun.
So the next time a liberal tells you that people don’t need guns, just ask if they want their crevices filled with Satan’s boiling hot seed, because it’s an undeniable fact that firearms are the only safeguards against the sensual desires of a demon. Hold your guns tight, and when a horny devil trespasses on your property to inseminate you, don’t hesitate to shoot it right in its hell-forged beak—that’s exactly what the Founding Fathers hoped we would do.