Patriots, hear our call!
For far too long, the clever elf known as Julian Assange, who steals secrets out from under the noses of globalists with computer magic, has sat imprisoned in his Ecuadorian cage. There he wastes away, dreaming of the golden fields and silver rivers of his hidden homeland, growing pasty and haggard. That’s why it’s the sacred duty of all true patriots to commandeer fishing boats, sail the Atlantic, and bring Julian to feast at Golden Corral!
But hurry! Time grows short, and Julian the tricky sprite weakens every day!
With his shimmering gossamer hair and relentless love for liberty, the elven trickster Julian Assange captured hearts of all loyal Americans just as deftly as he pilfered damaging DNC email chains, searing its cruel schemes with the unforgiving flame of truth. Thanks to the techno-enchantments Julian wove as tightly as the spider-silk hammock he sleeps in every night, Trump now sits on the throne of American democracy, and for that we must do all we can to repay him. And so, we call on all guardians of valor to sail east and finally steal this pale warrior away to his just reward at the great buttery troughs of Golden Corral!
True patriots, your mission is simple: Take up your rifle, rifles, or cudgel. Walk to the harbor, and flag down a fishing boat. You’ll need to lure them in; pretend to be sick, maybe, or carrying a bag of jewels. Once the boat is under your command, set a course for England, where the deposed elf prince Julian Assange sits, trapped by cold iron and so-called rape allegations. Jingle a handful of gumdrops and clover beneath his window so he knows you’re a friend to his kind, and spirit him to your vessel cloaked in an American flag. Then it’s time for feasting, so set sail for whichever Golden Corral buffet restaurant on the Eastern Seaboard is closest!
Be warned, patriots, for Julian the elf will not fare well on your long sea voyage to Golden Corral. Clever as he may be, his is the domain of magicka and cybercraft, and the sight of dark water stretching in all directions will cause him to scream and scream and cling to his fantastic computer, swaddled in its protective garbage bag. You’ll need to calm him with tales of fine golden fried shrimp, great marshmallowed fields of sweet potato casserole, the glorious fount of chocolate, and branded napkins in endless abundance. Thank him for his service to freedom lovers everywhere, and stroke his fine snowy locks until he coos and settles. It will all have been worth it once he finally unknots his belt cord in sated satisfaction!
There are those, true patriots, who may oppose you on your way to give the Elven Prince of Quick Keyboard Fingers his all-you-can-eat prize: Britons, Ecuadorians, fishing boat captains, and the cowards known as INTERPOL. Never doubt the righteousness of your cause, or the strength of your good right arm. Stand your ground and say, “I’m on my way to rescue the little elfling who went online to make America great, and if you want to stop me, you’ll have to kill or severely maim me.” For no enemy of freedom can withstand the conviction of a true patriot. Stay true to your cause, and you’ll be loading pot roast onto your plate with the canny computer goblin who dances in moonbeams at one of Golden Corral’s 481 locations across 41 states, including Alaska.
And, oh, how you’ll feast! Awesome medium-well sirloin and steamed carrots and yeast rolls galore! A salad bar with two types of pudding there, too! Pay the extra several dollars for access to refillable soft drinks and the sneeze-guarded carving station, and watch his luminous eyes spread wide with otherworldly wonder! A far cry from his usual diet of grasshoppers, seeds, and maiden’s breath.
What a delight for the American soul it will be seeing the heroic elf-o’-the-web prance hither and yon, loading up plate after plate with hearty gravied treats! But the greatest delicacy of all that you’ll feast on that day is one even the Golden Corral esteemed chefs can’t cook up: liberty.
Now, patriots! Go now! Go now, and save this freedom-loving creature for America’s sake!