Illustration for article titled Hello From My LIBERAL TEARS BATHTUB Where I Wash My CREASES With LIBERAL SNOWFLAKE TEARS To Deal With My AGGRESSIVE Skin Problem

Well, well, well, well, well, WELL, well, well. Looks like word has gotten out that alpha king Donald Trump is the new president of America, and lo and behold, the beta leftist ding-dongs are crying cups and cups of sadness everywhere because they didn’t get their way. Well, guess what, libtards. Cry all you want, because I am VERY much enjoying things here in my LIBERAL TEARS BATHTUB, where I am washing the gunk from my CREASES with LIBERAL SNOWFLAKE TEARS in order to deal with my AGGRESSIVE and ALARMING skin problem.

Yep, that’s right, cucks. DONALD TRUMP is the leader of the free world, and yours truly is blissfully holed up in a lukewarm tub full of your pitiful yet SURPRISINGLY CURATIVE tears. I got this wretched belly skin that stinks like sin, with all kinds of putrid SILTLIKE BACTERIA growing in the FLAPS. It looks like a forest of oozing toenails sprouting out of muenster cheese, but instead of begging for OBAMACARE HANDOUTS to keep that shit at bay, I’ve discovered that your SJW chuckle-fuck tears make for a WONDERFULLY effective TOPICAL REMEDY that also tempers the SWEET-ONION STINK. Rub-a-dub-dub, P.C. asswipes! God-emperor Trump Benghazi’d the shit out of Crooked Hillary, and now all your bitch-ass snowflake tears are the HEALING SALVE in which I bathe, or my DECREPIT SKIN would likely fall off like a SNOW CONE BEING CHUCKED INTO A WALL.

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USA! USA! USA!

Before Trump, I tried everything to get this unruly skin fiasco under control, from EPSOM SALTS to OATMEAL SCRUBS to having my PASTOR’S DAUGHTER’S FERRET gnaw down the FLESHY OUTGROWTHS, but those things only EMBOLDENED the eruption of skin horrors within my CREASES. While all you left-wing welfare goobs were locked away in your SAFE SPACES merrily slobbing Barack Obozo’s gluten-free MICRO-KNOB, this bristled volcanic moonscape of a belly was growing SCARIER BY THE DAY, to the point where I once took my shirt off to swim in the ocean and NUMEROUS majestic blue whales BEACHED THEMSELVES out of fear of my gnarled sea monster torso. If you need any proof that Trump is MAKING AMERICA GREAT AGAIN, just check out the before-and-after photos of my shirtless bod—this shit is CONSIDERABLY LESS GROSS NOW thanks to you Killary-lovers’ MEDICINAL TEARS, without which I would DIE A SLOW AND AGONIZING DEATH.

Now, don’t get me wrong, you participation-trophy dipshits. My skin is still a God-disproving catastrophe. If I were to bare my flaps unto you, they would call to mind either a sarlacc cosplay or a lasagna DESPERATELY in need of delousing. But the more I lather your MAGNIFICENT LIBTARD TEARS into this BLISTERED NIGHTMARE HUSK of mine, the smoother and smoother it gets. And as long as our GLORIOUS AND SEXY LEADER Donald Trump keeps milking your RADICAL LEFTY TEARS with his AWESOME executive orders and BADASS SOCIAL MEDIA PRESENCE, this troubled belly skin should be SLEEK and CREAMY and NEUTRAL-SMELLING and PRESENTABLE just in time for a second term. Until then, I openly WELCOME DEATH.

So keep those lefty snowflake tears coming, cucks! PLEASE. DEAR GOD, PLEASE.

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