Like it or not, I’m the kind of guy who says the truth whether or not it’s unpopular. I don’t cater to so-called political correctness or some sort of progressive agenda. So, I don’t care if this offends all you overly sensitive social justice warriors out there who make a living out of getting outraged over basic facts, but all of the planets are men.

When you look up into the night sky, do you see any women? No. You see a bunch of gigantic dudes hanging around in space, orbiting the sun. This is empirically true, and anyone who isn’t an SJW blinded by some toxic progressive agenda can see it clearly.


Sorry, but that’s just the way it is. Mars is a big man. Venus is a man with a booming deep voice. Mercury is a man with a high-pitched voice like a little boy. Jupiter is a grade-A slab of man-beef. Every planet in the solar system is a man and none of them are women. It’s just simple logic.

I can practically hear all the social justice warriors screaming in outrage from here: “How dare you say that about the planets! The planets aren’t just big howling space boys! Some of the planets are huge round ladies!” Nope. Sorry. That’s just not true. If you’re offended, that’s your own problem, but you can’t ignore the truth just because it offends you. The solar system is a Boy Festival and all of the planets are tremendous gentlemen laughing and getting sick in space.

Mars is a big man. Venus is a man with a booming deep voice. Mercury is a man with a high-pitched voice like a little boy.


Sure, Pluto isn’t a planet anymore, but he is also a man. So, even when Pluto was a planet, all of the planets were men.

I guess this is about the point where all you feminists out there start piling on and calling me a misogynist just for stating the simple fact that Saturn and the gang are all big round gentlemen dancing around the sun. You know what? I don’t care if you’re angry at me for saying it. It’s the truth, and I refuse to feel ashamed for telling the truth. Why don’t you go ride your high horse back to Tumblr and write a blog post about the patriarchy?

I’ll be over here talking reasonably about how every single one of the planets is a gigantic nauseous man hurtling through the cosmos.


Listen, if it makes you feminists feel any better, some of the stars are women. Not the sun. The sun is three huge men holding hands. But some of the other stars that are very far away from us are women. Sorry if you’re offended, but these are facts. It’s simple astronomy. To say otherwise is just bald-faced misandry and nothing more.

If all you SJWs out there don’t like what I have to say, then all I can reply is, come at me. Try to vilify me just for using logic and reason to prove my points about the gender of the planets and how that gender is man. Better yet, prove me wrong. I dare you. Show me the evidence that proves that any of the planets are women.

Oh, that’s right, you can’t. Because all of the planets are big bouncing boys.